Relatively Important
Or, just do the thing
If you’re anything like me, especially if you’re a mom, some days just seem like endless tasks but somehow still little productivity. And why, oh why, have we allowed our lives to be so much about productivity? It often comes at the expense of missing out on the small, joyful moments. I’m starting this on Tuesday, and already this week I’ve read two different Substack pieces that spoke to me deeply, both which tie in here beautifully. I’ll definitely be including them here in case you’d like to read, as well. Shouting out to other writers here has become important to me, as I know that having my work shared by fellow ‘Stackers has brought me a LOT of new readers, and I want to pay that forward.
If you’re new here, welcome! You may be tuned in because of my weekly Momlife Meme Drops (thanks in large part to other writers like Cori Bren who’ve shared my collections), and I’m so glad you found my little corner of Substack! Besides memes, my main and original purpose is my three-year-old daughter Betsy, who has Down Syndrome—my husband Ian and I are doing our best to raise her as naturally and non-medically as we can. If you’d like to read a more detailed intro to us and our family, you can do that here:
Sometimes I just feel like my life is an endless To Do List that never gets completed. I used to make a handwritten To Do List every single day, and I went through notebook after notebook of them. I finally got to a point where the thought of such a list made me want to throw something (maybe a notebook). I definitely get a lot more done using a list, but I also end up feeling like a slave to it. And even though I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, I’ve always hated the idea of every day being exactly the same. Like Groundhog Day. Or that one Nine Inch Nails song. Anyway, I’m not big on routines for this very reason. Obviously, it is important to have some routines, just for the sake of structure, stability and teaching children about how life works. So of course I end up being mom to a kid with Down Syndrome, and apparently most DS kids thrive on routine. Great. Ok, cool. As long as I get some variation in somewhere, I’ll be all right. And lucky for me, at least Betsy likes changing up her breakfast foods.
So I haven’t really done To Do Lists lately, at least not physical written ones. If I do, it’s on a mini whiteboard or in a tiny notebook I keep in my back pocket. I still pretty much have a mental list running all the time, and my Brain Attic definitely gets filled up and cobwebby. List or no list, there’s always plenty to be done, and usually more than I actually have time to do in a day. This often means smaller tasks get pushed aside and left undone for days, weeks, even months. And by smaller, I don’t necessarily mean less difficult, maybe less important. But important is relative. I’m the one in charge of my life, right? Doesn’t that mean I get to decide what’s important? It doesn’t often feel that way. Then Monday I read a piece from Dea Devidas that really helped me out and changed the way I looked at it all. Dea’s writing makes me so happy, because she’s got a wit to her that no one else could duplicate. She’ll make me laugh my head off while telling me exactly what I needed to hear (or read) in that exact moment. It’s uncanny, really. So check this out, see if it speaks to you the way it did to me:
What I got from this piece is that if it’s important to me, it’s important. My To Do List is way too full for my tastes, and there are plenty of seemingly unimportant things that I want to get done, but those things are at the bottom priority-wise. Doesn’t mean they have to stay that way. So I read Dea’s post and immediately knew what my one thing I was putting off was. I’ve got a set of battery-operated string lights (they’re little Himalayan salt rocks and I love them) hanging across one of the windows in the bedroom. The batteries had been slowly dying for months and the lights were still working, but very dim. I had even gotten as far as to bring new batteries into the room and put them on the bedside table (like two months ago), but there they sat. I hadn’t changed them yet for several reasons: 1) my To Do List had lots of way more important things on it, 2) I’d have to stand precariously balanced in my rocking recliner to fix it, and 3) that’s the room where I usually rock Betsy to sleep, and I know she goes to sleep much more easily in a completely dark room. Anyway, I knew that was exactly the thing I needed to get done, and it would kickstart everything else. Did I go do the thing right away? Absolutely not—I am Kristen, after all. I finished breakfast, got dressed, and gave Betsy a bath. Then I went for it. It took less than two minutes. And I immediately felt better, like a weight was off my shoulders. It was a seemingly inconsequential thing, but it mattered to me, so not doing it was holding me back.
So then, boom. Once I was done with that, I went to make the bed and realized it’s been warm enough that maybe it was time to change out the bedding from winter stuff (fleece sheets and a velvet comforter) to warmer weather stuff (microfiber sheets and a cotton quilt). Now I’m not a neat freak by any means, but I love having the bed made. I feel like if the bed looks pretty, it simultaneously makes the whole room look neater, and also makes you want the rest of the room clean if it’s not. I can’t explain how it does both, but it just does. Also, most people don’t know this (and I can’t remember where I first heard it, or I’d include a source), but it’s healthier to let your bed air out for like 20-30 minutes before making it, just in case you got leftover sleep sweat going on. Trapping that moisture in the sheets is an open invitation for dust mites and the allergies they like to bring with them. So reasonably, sometimes for me, getting the bed made doesn’t happen since I do wait on it and it might just get sidelined completely. But when I do, it always makes me feel more accomplished and that bleeds into everything else, much like changing the batteries did. Anyway, know who else likes a beautifully made bed? Cats. Other than an open, empty box, it’s probably the best way to attract a loafing cat. I have two kitties, one of them who practically lives in the bedroom, and the other who is outside most of the time (unless he’s in the living room recliner). But with the bed all pretty and made, they both just had to be there, even though they barely tolerate each other.
So anyway, that was just the beginning. As soon as the bed was made, I grabbed my overflowing basket of clean laundry and sped through the folding and putting away that had been put off for days. It basically turned me into Hurricane Kristen and I got all kinds of stuff done (most of which I don’t remember by this point). In other words, it worked. So—try it! What’s that one little seemingly unimportant thing you want done that’s just gnawing at you? Go do it, and tell me about it in the comments. I want to hear your stories!
And then there’s the other one I read. You’re probably aware that Sunday was International Women’s Day, and of course this year it happened the same day that Daylight Savings Time started back up, robbing us of an hour. Sundays are hard for me anyway, as I usually stay up late (as I am Kristen, after all) and then have to get up early for church and get Betsy up earlier than usual, too, and neither of us really likes mornings. So adding on to that, the whole stupid DST thing starting up, and the fact that Betsy had been sleeping at really weird times the few days before it, I decided to go to church at my parents’ place instead. Theirs is much closer and starts later, so that was like two hours of extra sleep (which really only means one, because springing forward). When I realized it was International Women’s Day, I thought about how nice it would be to make an Instagram and maybe Facebook post highlighting my favorite women in my life. I didn’t end up doing it because I just ran out of time in the day, and that’s without even taking a Sunday nap like I usually try to. I also sadly realized that I have exactly zero photos of one of my best friends. I haven’t even seen her in person in six years, and it turns out we’ve never taken any pictures together. Anyway, International Women’s Day almost felt like a joke to me, especially after a super busy day like that one. And then a day or two later, I stumbled upon this post, and it resonated with me in a big way. Reading it again just now nearly filled my eyes with tears.
I cannot, cannot tell you how tired I am of being strong. Of having to be strong. Of doing, going, running, non-stopping, and still feeling like I’m not doing enough. How do we do it all? Oh yeah, we have no choice. So I just wanna tell you, what you accomplish every day matters, even if you don’t accomplish much, and you are important. Being a mom, hell, just being a woman—is exhausting sometimes. I see you, I feel, you, I am you. We’ve got to have each other’s backs.
I learned a long time ago that you DON’T pray for patience—cos then you get all kinds of stuff thrown at you to help you develop it. I said something to my elder daughter Miranda earlier today, while I was holding a crying-for-no-apparent-reason Betsy in my lap, trying to get her to calm down. “I never thought I’d have this level of patience. I never wanted to have to have this level of patience.” But you know what? I am better for it. I’m stronger for it. And while I do have the bad habit of being hard on myself (desperately trying to break that habit), I’m also learning to give myself more credit. I hope you do that, too. What we do everyday is absolutely not easy.
So my point in this whole thing?
IF IT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU, THEN IT IS IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
I love you, dear readers. I will be back on Monday with the memes.
